I write this letter as a feedback following the piece of writing that you recently submitted on the motivation of the freshmen through the difficult times of being in a school that operates on a quarter systems like Oregon State University. I want to assure you that I have read and gone through your piece of writing about advice to the freshmen in OSU and how they can cope with the difficulties during the first term. You gave the advice in four main dimensions; for example, the first dimension talks of keeping cool in school and try to adjust to the new system. The second dimension examines the ways of dealing with people around in the new environment. The third dimension talks of the exploitation of the opportunities and the last section talks of being composed and enjoying the time in school. Therefore, everything that I will highlight in this paper is just to make help you improve your writing abilities; but not to discourage you in any way whatsoever.
Going through your piece of writing I realized that you have the potentiality of writing. You have organized your work in a sequence which brings out the coherence in the paper. The language is simple for any freshman to understand; any other reader who would get the opportunity to read the work would find it simple to understand, something which is commendable about your writing. Each paragraph of your writing has the topic sentence which contains the main idea and you have supported them very well with supporting evidence in a descriptive manner, which is nice.
However, there are few areas which you still need to improve to make your work more compelling to the audience/readers. Your work would have been more compelling if you integrated some of the rhetorical devices of writing. For example, you have frequently used very long sentences that would force someone to take time reading so as to understand. Therefore, it would have been better if you used very short sentences especially at the end of the paragraphs to invoke the readers emotions like a surprise. Being in school is all about academics, therefore, it would have been better if you tried to relate the circumstances with academics so as to engage the freshmen with their goals and objectives that brought them to OSU. Your work can greatly improve if you incorporate the above-mentioned areas in your writing next time.
6th August 2016
REF: FEEDBACK ON PIECE OF WRITING
This feedback comes after you recently submitted a piece of writing in which you shared your experience as someone who has repeated a course to freshmen in OSU. Your writing piece was majorly talking about the reasons why you think the application program policy is unfriendly to students. You tried to examine the detrimental of the program though the two major reasons that you gave; for example, the difference in pass line which is 73% for student and 83% for graduates. Another reason was about application period of pre-school which you explained that it will be higher instead of decreasing. This letter contains your feedback and it is meant to encourage you and help you improve your writing.
When I read your writing I failed to understand the main goal. Although, it comes towards the end of the paper where you mentioned the change of attitudes; but the body of the paper does not seem to motivate freshmen on how to cope with the new school and things around it. Another reader would also get the same picture that I mentioned.
However, this does not mean that you have failed in writing; you can change your writing by adopting some of the following strategies. First, try to use a language that does not seem to discourage the new students by talking about more positive things; for example, the advantage of pursuing an engineering course at OSU. Try to use more short sentences with every paragraph to have a topic sentence that guides the reader on what the paragraph will be all about. Try also to use the rhetorical devices like hieroglyphics such as colon, semi-colon, and single dash to make your work more compelling when it comes to creating a tone. You can greatly improve your writing with the above mentioned strategies.
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